Depression: A husband's struggles

Good night

2008-12-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did some volunteer work with the kids, we volunteered doing food ditribution for the needed. My wife wasn't able to attend due to a ankle that won't allow her to be on her feet to long.

I got home and my wife was up and out of her room, I thought to myself "this is a good thing". I'm glad to see her out of her room!

That night she took a nap and I was in another room when I got a call from her on my cell phone. She was asking me to turn of some food she had in a crock-pot. I sent her a text that said "I thought you were calling to see me....lol". Which was my hope! Silly that was my first thought when I saw it was her calling my cell.

She sent me a reply saying "Come see me Baby", how can four words send me into such a feeling of joy. I went in the room to see her, and she asked me to lay down next to her. So I did, and she gently stroked my head and for some odd reason and deep swell of emotions came up within me. How can a simple touch bring me into such a state, bringing tears to my eyes.

Just her touch alone brought me into a state of peacefulness and pure joy. She was in a very come state of mind, her eyes projecting love and caring that I needed so much. I could help but think that I hope she was getting as much from me!

We talked and laughed about things we did when we were a young couple. Happier times, it was so nice, so far from the loneliness, I was in pure heaven.

I want to thank my wife for this night.

It was a good night!

Are you up

2008-12-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

Just like clock work 3:30am and I for some reason wake up, I have been having trouble sleeping.
Here I am awake in the dark, alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. What a scary thought, with so many direction for my mind to take me.

Tonight is a little different, I have somewhere to direct my thoughts. I don't have the frustrating stare into a dark room. I told my wife about my waking up around 3am every morning and she also said she does the same thing.

Isn't that ironic!

Should I go see her, like I want to every night. Just to give her a kiss! Usually I just sit here in the dark, going where my mind takes me.

I miss my wife!

Proud

2008-12-19T21:10:00.001-08:00

My wife came out and cooked dinner for the first time in months. I cant remember the last time she cooked. I am so proud of her!

I was in the kitchen with her and wanted to say so much to her. I long for any type of interaction with her. I didn't want to push by bombarding her with to much to fast. So I kept everything in, and just spoke when she spoke.

We didn't speak much, if not occupied by the food, she would watch the TV that was on. I was not even an after thought to her. I have learned from my research on the illness not to take anything personal. It's not her intention to disassociate herself from other, but I couldn't help but feel sad, that she didn't want to interact much with me.

She sat at the couch and I found myself constantly looking over at her, hoping to catch her eye even for a second but it never happened.

We ate and she went back upstairs to her room, and I am here in the kitchen feeling so lonely, tears in my eyes. I can't help but feel guilty for wanting more than she can give right now, I am trying to find a way to express my feeling right now in this blog.

The loneliness is getting harder to deal with everyday. That old saying you don't know what you have till it's gone is so true for me. Like most husbands I think, no, I know, I took her for granted for so many years. Now that it's gone, how much I wish I could have that time back.

I must acknowledge that she made a big stride today and that I am glad at the time I had with her today.

I miss my wife very much!

Log 1 Dec 19, 2008

2008-12-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

My wife has been diagnosed with depression, she has started counseling and medication.

There is no way for me to truly understand what my wife is going through. I am trying to educate myself so I can be more understanding and helpful to her. I go to web sites/forums that deal with depression and to be totally honest, I am no closer to understanding even a small part of this disease. Only because it's such a complex issue that one cannot understand unless you yourself have struggled with this illness.

I can only shed some light on how it affects the love ones in their life, such as myself. I will be truthful and honest in sharing my thoughts, hoping it may help me to deal with many emotions and make me into a more understanding/supportive husband that she deserves.

When the illness first came to light to me, I didn't know how to deal with it. I asked for help and I was told to give her "her space". I was told to back off so she can find a way to cope with this in her own way.

So I did, and my wife started to isolate herself in her room. Day's turned into weeks and it progressed into us not talking to each other for a whole month. During this month, I was taking care of our 2 kids, cooking, cleaning, and mostly all the household duties. Me not fully understanding depression, I started feeling angry. Angry at her for not talking to me or our children, not wanting to be with us. I couldn't understand why she just totally forgot about us and didn't seem to care. She also felt like nobody cared about her as well, as I learned when I finally had enough and confronted her about it.

In that month of not talking, I did some sole searching and happened to read a book by the Dali Lama "An open heart". It gave me a way to rid myself of all the anger and frustration that I was feeling, and allowed my to see that I would not be happy unless I get my best friend and wife back. It was a great feeling of clarity for me, I knew that I needed to get more educated about my wife's illness and get her back into my life some way.

I let go of all negative emotions and now am concentrating on being a more positive and supportive husband.

I'm still dealing with my issues, such as a very deep feeling of loneliness. I can't seem to shake it, I find myself not able to sleep. Constantly thinking of my wife, wishing I could be near her, wanting to just be with her no matter what.

She is still trying isolating herself but I am trying to get her out more.

I started this blog to help me deal with my emotional issues.

I love my wife very much and don't want to lose her.