Log 1 Dec 19, 2008

My wife has been diagnosed with depression, she has started counseling and medication.

There is no way for me to truly understand what my wife is going through. I am trying to educate myself so I can be more understanding and helpful to her. I go to web sites/forums that deal with depression and to be totally honest, I am no closer to understanding even a small part of this disease. Only because it's such a complex issue that one cannot understand unless you yourself have struggled with this illness.

I can only shed some light on how it affects the love ones in their life, such as myself. I will be truthful and honest in sharing my thoughts, hoping it may help me to deal with many emotions and make me into a more understanding/supportive husband that she deserves.

When the illness first came to light to me, I didn't know how to deal with it. I asked for help and I was told to give her "her space". I was told to back off so she can find a way to cope with this in her own way.

So I did, and my wife started to isolate herself in her room. Day's turned into weeks and it progressed into us not talking to each other for a whole month. During this month, I was taking care of our 2 kids, cooking, cleaning, and mostly all the household duties. Me not fully understanding depression, I started feeling angry. Angry at her for not talking to me or our children, not wanting to be with us. I couldn't understand why she just totally forgot about us and didn't seem to care. She also felt like nobody cared about her as well, as I learned when I finally had enough and confronted her about it.

In that month of not talking, I did some sole searching and happened to read a book by the Dali Lama "An open heart". It gave me a way to rid myself of all the anger and frustration that I was feeling, and allowed my to see that I would not be happy unless I get my best friend and wife back. It was a great feeling of clarity for me, I knew that I needed to get more educated about my wife's illness and get her back into my life some way.

I let go of all negative emotions and now am concentrating on being a more positive and supportive husband.

I'm still dealing with my issues, such as a very deep feeling of loneliness. I can't seem to shake it, I find myself not able to sleep. Constantly thinking of my wife, wishing I could be near her, wanting to just be with her no matter what.

She is still trying isolating herself but I am trying to get her out more.

I started this blog to help me deal with my emotional issues.

I love my wife very much and don't want to lose her.